True Idenity

Because the question has come up, I have Decided to reveal my True Identity.

This is for you Ms. Bumps.

You asked, and I now give you my Ass.

Almost worked.

Here we go again, 12/27 the returns

!!

So yeah, as some of you know I have a job working in retail.

let as recap the past week and a half,

Step 1, figure out what that special person wants. Category of the item desired

Step 2, Find out the gift for said person , What is it exactly they would love to have.

Step 3, Locate that perfect gift for that special person. Where can it be bought and is there enough

Step 4, Go to purchase the greatest gift ever. After fighting your way to the table and suffering a couple of bruises.

Step 5, Wrap that gift perfectly with a bow. Said persons favorite color paper and Santa splattered on it

Step 5, Tease them that they will never guess what it is. Don’t let them know that they picked it out.

Step 6, They open it a day after Christmas ( because you where with family ON Christmas)

That’s when the pain starts.

That special someone forces a smile and a over exaggerated

“It’s exactly what I wanted. “

Step 7, Find the receipt because her sister got her the same god dam present you did, and gave it to her the day BEFORE Christmas

Step 8, Hunt down the sist..  scratch that. Step 8a,Ttell her that’s fine and drive her to the store to return said gift and pick out something else.

Strep 9, Wait in line for over an hour with every other Man who thought of the same god dam thing you did,

” I give her this gift she will be so grateful I might just get lucky”.

Step 10, She gets what she wants, you get I’m sorry Hun but I promised my parents we would drive up and see them tonight

( which by the way is an hour drive one way )

Step 11, get home, have a shot, go to bed and hope for a better tomorrow.

Good night and good luck people.

By the way, This happend to Looch NOT HR.

12/26 the day after

Ok, so way to go day after Christmas; the cleaning, the picking up, the hangover.

Way to go 12/26. Back to work I go, listening to all the drama, the “I didn’t get what I wanted!” sniffles and bitching. “My mom and dad didn’t get the right color I-pad.” This coming from a 27 year-old man. Suck it up you little bitch before I slap you into puberty. Oh my god you’re frigging 27 years old, you can only work part-time because you’re too wrapped up in your own little world to realize that your little sports car import tuner isn’t as bad ass as you think. Just because your exhaust sounds like a pissed off swarm of bees and your “system” can blast you out of your seat. I don’t fucking care that your mommy got you the wrong fucking color ipad God damit. And if I yell at you because you’re complaining that you have to work for 15 fucking hours a week I WLL HAVE TO HIT YOU! Your parents should have tossed you out on your ass long ago, so do not get testy with me you little shit. I will not be picking up after you, I will not be wiping your ass, and I will not be giving a shit about you in the up-coming…well, forever. So please, for the love of God, if you’re over the age of 23 and complaining that the gift you got from your parents was the wrong color or anything trivial like that, remember you’re fucking lucky you have parents that get you anything at all SO BE GRATEFUL and say thank you and for Gods sake SHUT THE FUCK UP!

12/24

Christmas eve to do list, or wish list, I’m not sure yet.

Wake up, have a drink.

 Turn on TV,have a drink.

 Watch news while having a drink.

 Get a drink, take a shower ( no drink in the shower, that’s just gross).

 Get dressed, have a drink.

 Wrap presents, probably with a drink.

 Put gifts under the tree while holding a drink.

. Get coffee, with a drink chaser.

 Sit and relax with a drink.

. Call the folks for Christmas, while drinking.

 Drink a drink while holding a drink.

 Feeling sick about drinking.

 Get a bite to eat, and drink.

Cook dinner with a drink.

 Put out the plates and dinner each with a drink

. Have a pleasant evening drinking with friends at dinner.

 Say the goodbye’s while raising a glass of drink.

   Man do I love Eggnog.

Merry Christmas to you and your family, friends, pets, and plant’s

Faster then the speed of though

This is post asking, “Are you sure?” to everyone that has anything to say to you.

This is how it should work: ( Boss ) “Did you get those reports done yet?”

REPLY: “Are you sure you want THOSE reports?”

“Yes I want them and I want them now.”

“Are you sure you want them now?”

You get the point. This sounds all well and good. However, be aware of who you ask and when you ask. That is how it should have gone in my mind. This is the actual conversation that occurred.

BRUCE: “Did you get those reports done yet?”

ME: “Are you sure you want THOSE reports?”

BRUCE: “Yes I want the friggin reports! Why the hell would I have asked for them if I didn’t want them? What are you? A friggin’ idiot? What the hell is wrong with you? When I tell you I want something I want it done 10 minutes before I ask! Get over there, finish the prints and bring them to me NOW! I do not ever want to have this conversation again! Understood!?!”

OK I couldn’t resist at this point.

ME: “Are you sure you don’t want to have this conversation again?”

Que slamming door and BOOM.

And so yet again there is another installment of MOUTH MOVES FASTER THAN BRAIN. There will probably be a follow up to this called “I’m writing you from the line at the unemployment office.” Stay tuned.

see ya’ll,

HR.

WHEN the hell.. haha moment

Time, ok it’s there, it’s here and apparently it’s everywhere.

However, there is nothing worse than forgetting that…

www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6ErUrFu9xk&feature=related

Why I now read

Ok, so there is a lady out there named H.E. Ellis. She wrote a book, The Gods of Asphalt. Please let me take a moment to explain why this is so important.

 

Me, I don’t read. I never liked reading so book reports all through school never happened. News papers were the comics. Reading was never an interest to me. I look back now and I think I read 1 (that’s not a typo) 1 book in my entire academic career. So when the lovely H.E. asked if I would read her book, I honestly hemmed and hawed and tried to find a way out. When that didn’t work she used the big, beautiful green eyes stare on me. Understand that there is no relationship here, but I’m not made of stone you know. She is a very, wait…VERY attractive lady and when she asked me to read her book, Yeah. I was going to read HER book.

 

So having said that The Gods of Asphalt is one non-stop trip with no end in sight. Now that she has mesmerized me with both cunning use of the big eyes AND amazing literary talent. I am eagerly anticipating the works that emerge from this woman who has opened my mind to the wonderful world of the written word. I only wish now that I had payed more attention in English class then skipping it to go “hang out” at the pool hall.

 

So a great big THANK YOU to the beautiful and wonderful H.E. Ellis.

SIGHT BEYOND SIGHT

SIGHT BEYOND SIGHT.

SIGHT BEYOND SIGHT

PEOPLE DO NOT ALWAYS SEE WHAT’S RIGHT THERE.

PEOPLE CAN’T SEE WHAT’S RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM

PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO SEE IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT.

PEOPLE CLOSE THEIR EYES TO CHANGE.

PEOPLE IGNORE THE NEW THAT’S OUTSIDE.

AFTER WAKING FROM A DRONE STYLE SLEEP

THEN THEY SEE WHAT’S RIGHT THERE, AND ACCEPT IT

THEN THEY SEE WHAT’S RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM, AND ACCEPT IT

THEN THEY SEE IN A NEW LIGHT, AND ACCEPT IT

THEN THEY OPEN THEIR EYES TO CHANGE, AND ACCEPT IT

THEN THEY TAKE A WALK OUTSIDE AND REALIZE IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NEW DAY.

THANK YOU ALL

Reflection and one’s self

There comes a time when you have to sit back for a moment and reflect. Reflection is a good teacher. It shows us what we have done wrong, the things we have done right and it shows us how to improve. But there is one reflection that takes the cake.

This is what you do. Sneak in to the bathroom at work, hang a piece of reflective window tint about a foot inside the door way so the reflective side is facing the door. Next close the door (leave it cracked so the next person knows its empty).

Now wait.

While you’re waiting, think about all the good times you’ve had over the years. Then think about all the things you could have dodifferently. Improve yourself and your out look on….   wait…there goes Greg. The fun is about to start!

Now wait for it…wait for it…the sound of the opening door, the girlish scream and then BOOM there it is! Greg just got slammed in the face with his own reflection!

When you start breathing again, explain to Greg that that’s the sight you and your coworkers have to deal with every day. So apparently not ALL reflection is good. BUT someones else’s reflection can be funny as hell.

If you have a funny story to tell, go do stand up. If you have a story you’d like to share in written form, blog it here. And remember, if it’s funny I say do it.