Do NOT read this post

What a way to come back right..

okay okay, so yes I’ve been out of touch for a little while doing this and that, blash blah blah…

But I just couldn’t stay away forever.
I mean really, WHAT whould your life be without me??

I know most of you where out there saying to yourself whenever something funny happened.. “Oh where is HR for this”

like the time you went half the day watching a guy walk around with a dried booger on his tie, and each time he looked at you, you gaged.
Yes you gave him a complex and now he sits in his moms basement typing away on his computer all day long visiting bl… you know what we are just going to move on to more funny.

Alright so its spring time, most places anyway, and the weather is warming up, and the birds are coming back and
I’M STUCK IN A GOD DAMN OFFICE ALL FRIGGIN DAY WITH ONE SMALL ASS WINDOW THAT TED (THAST SON-OF-A-BITCH) GETS TO LOOK OUT AND NOT ME!!!!
But I’m ok with that.

Really,?? did you all think that I was the kind of guy that would sit inside on a warm and sunny day??
I’M FROM NEW ENGLAND MOTHER-FUCKERS!!! We only get, like 3 maybe 5 sunny days a year. I’m getting my rock hard ass outside.

(okay so maybe not so much rock hard as pliable, but I blame the fast food, chips ((the fri kind, hi Megan)), energy drinks, hot dogs, and the lack of exercise
booze, and candy, for the current condition of my ass.)

Sorry. What was I talking about?? oh who cares.

NEXT FUNNY PICTURE..

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Really?? even SHE don’t give a shit about your level.

NNEEXXTT !!!!

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Oh HR.. You sneaky basted you got me with that one.. says EVERYONE
hahahaha

just trying to keep you on your toes..
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Okay that’s the last time I try to gross you out…

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HAHAHA..!!! I cant believe you fell for it again… SUCKERS!!!
Alright alright I’m done… for now.
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Go home already…. unless you got booze, then come on in and have a seat.
No really go away.
No don’t really come in , get out.
Leave this place.
Remove yourself from here before I get pissed.
LAST WARNING!!!

okay that’s it now you’ve angered me.
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I’m getting MY gun.
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Have a what ever kind of day you want to have.. DO IT!!!

Haha moment or oops wrong story

As I sit here in my rustic log cabin in the woods listening to the sound of only snaps and crackles being omitted from my fire place, and the sound of the clicking of my keyboard wondering what to put on the blank screen of mine.
I allow my mind to be released and wonder with the flickering fire light of the room. Amazed that it seemed to find a place long lost of my childhood and the things I wished to be when I reached adulthood.
Needless to say a smile came across my face as I indulged in the kid dreams of my little world and then it dawned on me…
If I don’t wake up and get my ass out of bed ill be late for work… Again.

Yea I don’t have a log cabin in the woods, the only fire I play with I must make fly and create art and unfortunately my childhood dreams have not really come to pass.

Yep this is my life but it’s nice to remember the good things from time to time…Like my kids..

My kids are kind, loving and proud.

Kind… Willing to do whatever needs to be done to help others that may not be ready to help themselves.

Loving… Able to see past flaws and enjoy a person regardless of where they come from or where they are.

Proud… Proud to be called a friend, proud of the things the have accomplished and will accomplish. Proud to be a leader rather then a follower. Proud to be themselves regardless of what the current “fad” is.

So in looking at these terrific people that call me dad maybe, just maybe I have completed my childhood dream after all.

I wanted to raise kids that where better people then I was.

Mission accomplished.

Dreams for filled.

Now I need new dreams.

New dreams filled with heart, compaction, faith and caring.

And maybe with a little luck…A cape.

Because let’s face it, every dreamer dreams of having a cape.

But all my dreams are unknown.

now onto the funny…
A little while ago it was mentioned to me that “fast food” joints or ” flipin burgers” was the down fall of the current economy.. well I have news for you…

seeing as fast food has been around a long, long time as seen here..

Now many will think that this is completely impossible but its true.
Even if today it seems to be a little more like the evil twin brother asking…

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I have to admit,
it is still way, way better then..

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now seeing as the down fall was not created by joints like this..
We still need to have a little understanding.
See if your not carful you may run into this situation and not know what to do,
like..

and there is no unseeing that let me tell you..

Now still more to come.

Ever wonder what would happen if you crossed 2 time lines like…. THIS…

yea that’s right I did that, and you looked..

ok so at this point I’m supposed to say something funny and cleaver and blah blah blah ..
I’m just going to throw some funny up here. laugh it up chuckles..

Hi Tom.. hahaha..

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY !! WE BRING YOU BATTLE BUGS…. WE WILL SELL YOU THE WHOLE SEAT BUT YOULL ONLY NEED THE
EEEEDDDGGGEEEE !!!

OKAY one more and then get out you free loaders…

I bring to you the perfect chuckle moment..

ready?

set..

just kidding go away.

good night my ladies and gents of the world and don’t forget to tip your waitress..

HR conversation I have had.

Lets take a little trip down memory lane shall we..

This is a flash back to a conversation I have had with the director of Human resources at a former place of employment.

I’ll start it off..

Me: Good morning Mr. Howard how are you today?

I’m Fine HR, we need to talk. (Yeah even then they called me HR)

Ok, I’m freed up right now. What’s going on?

HR we here have come to appreciate the jokes and your schananagins and most are amazing, but…

Wait is this about the new signage I put in the lady’s room ?

No, I didnt even know there was a new sign in the lady’s room.

OK, Is this about having the floor guys put a couple extra coats of wax on the floor, cause I paid the difference out-of-pocket..

Nope, didnt really notice that either, It’s about…

Ok, wait let me guess..  it was the way I wrote on the tp in the stalls to remember to wash your hands before returning to work, because that one I have to say isnt bad just a friendly reminder.. however the one that said smile for the camera probably wasnt to smart I’ll admit.

It had nothing to do with any of that, But I do appreciate you bringing these things to my attention… now let me finish.

Ok I’m listening go ahead.

We where going to give you the JESTER award this weekend and let you give a small speech on the importance of a fun-loving and joyful working enviroment, BUT we wont be able to.

Why not that sounds great, I would love to why can’t we?

Because after this conversation and bringing these things to my attention, you might be looking for a new job.

Are you sure? because there is some thing you should know.

Whats that?

Yesterday the big bosses where here too, and well they thought is was brilliant and keeps people on their toes.

So what does that mean??

Hi how are you, I need to speak to you about your performance review coming up.  I’m YOUR new boss.

So there you have it, When you make someone of authority laugh, you just might stand a chance in the up tight world.

Good by, good luck, and goodnight.

4 leaf clover, where are you?

Ok first of all,

HAPPY ST. PADDY’S DAY TO ALL OF YOU.

Moving on. As most of you are aware, H.E. Ellis and I are family. We have 3 not too bad kids together and seeing as her and I see them as the most important people we know, we use ALL the holidays to get together. Call it required family time. So anyway, HE follows her Italian roots as most of you know. What you may not know is that she is also a bad Irish cook. Welcome to hell, pull up a seat and get comfortable. St Pat’s day is…well, an Irish holiday, in which there is drinking, games, fighting and cooking. HE is good at 2 of these; games and fighting. Drinking however is a passed out time for her.

People say that if a butterfly flaps its wing in Asia there is a wind that blows in NH (or something like that). Well the other way to look at HE’s drinking is, if a bottle is opened all the way out on Mars, she is drunk as fuck! Now on to the cooking.

I would have sworn that there was no way that a glass cooking dish would ever break under regular use, but her Irish themed dinner caused a 11″ x 9″ glass casserole dish to take its own life. I shit you not!

Now understand this is the same dish I have used thousands of times with no issue. I have dropped it from the sink on its side after washing it. NOT A CHIP. She, on the other hand was making potatoes to go with dinner and prepped the taters ok. Put them in the dish, ok. Placed them in the oven, ok. Removed to stir, now wait…   removed them placed them on the stove, turned and picked up 2 plastic spoons, approached the 1/4″ tempered glass casserole dish, I swear it looked at her and the fucking thing EXPLODED. I shit you not, the fucking thing took its own life as if to say, “You do not follow your Irish traditions, I will have no part of this, Goodbye Grandma, I love you” and fucking exploded.  I wouldn’t have believed it if I weren’t there to see it for myself.

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As far as dinner is concerned,

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 Just like Christmas.

Ok so as they say better late then never.

Seeing as I do not have 11 friends to forward this to, and the friends in the blog-o-spear have all ready completed this tag game question and answer section. I am to answer the questions I was asked by both Mr. Edward HotSpur and the lovely Ms. Megan.

First to be completed is Mr. HotSpur because it makes him feel awkward and I think that’s funny.

1) Explain what constitutes the universe, and give two examples.

Matter and I’m going with time and space.

2) What comes first, night or day?

Depends on where you start.

3) How many licks does it take?

1…2…3…Crunch. It takes 3 licks.

4) What’s your deepest darkest secret?

Not sure cant see it. Its to dark down here.

5) Have you ever done something that you regretted, or that was humiliating, and if so, what is it?

Yep, I prepaid that S+M dominatrix.

6) Do you consider yourself attractive?

Not really but the mirror disagrees with that answer.

7) How many partners have you had?

That I can remember. Only 1.

8) Where are you going with this?

All the way to the end.

9) Is there really any better flavor or smell than bacon?

Vanilla body spray from VS smells great and makes me hungry.

10) If you could have any superpower, but only one, what would it be?

Invisibility.

11) What is something that you think you should like, but you really hate?

Crapes.

Next up with 11 more great questions is a lovely young lady

from across the pond

Ms. Megan

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1.The best moment of your life?

I would have to say that the best moment was learing how to drive a front wheel drive manual transmission Geo             backwards doing donuts in the snow with a couple of friends.

2.The worst moment of your life?

When H.E.Ellis found out I was driving her Geo backwards doing donuts in the snow with a couple of friends.

3.If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?

I would have paid more attention in school so I could appreciate blogging more.

4.If you could go back and tell someone how you really felt when you didn’t, who would it be?

My father. There is a past there that well, kinda sucked.

5.If there was someone who you could tell how you really felt now who would it be?

I’m not sure. Probably Vincent Price, but H.E. ruined that one for me.

6.Your greatest achievement?

My 3 kids and the one on a rent-to-own plan.

7.Someone you wanted to be proud of you who weren’t?

One of my uncles. The nice one.

8.List the best people in your life right now.

That guy, him, her, that person and the one next to him. Oh, and my cat.

9.Your joy in life is…

Living, since I really didn’t think I would make it this far.

10.What you wish you could do but cannot?

Punch dance down the car pool lane wearing nothing but a speedo and smoking a cigar.

11.If I gave you an airline ticket for anywhere in the world were would you go?

Where you at again? And do you have a car pool lane?

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I hope this helps understand me a little more.

till next time

Going for that “SPARKLE” Award

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Ode to SparkleBumps,

How do I lust for thee?

 Let me count the ways…

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1, Face to face

2, The amazon

3, The arc

4, The armchair

5, The deep one

6, The fusion

7, The hammock

8, The mill vanes

9, The mirror of pleasing

10, The put under one

11, The screw

Oh you can just pick up the book

till next time

Faster then the speed of though

This is post asking, “Are you sure?” to everyone that has anything to say to you.

This is how it should work: ( Boss ) “Did you get those reports done yet?”

REPLY: “Are you sure you want THOSE reports?”

“Yes I want them and I want them now.”

“Are you sure you want them now?”

You get the point. This sounds all well and good. However, be aware of who you ask and when you ask. That is how it should have gone in my mind. This is the actual conversation that occurred.

BRUCE: “Did you get those reports done yet?”

ME: “Are you sure you want THOSE reports?”

BRUCE: “Yes I want the friggin reports! Why the hell would I have asked for them if I didn’t want them? What are you? A friggin’ idiot? What the hell is wrong with you? When I tell you I want something I want it done 10 minutes before I ask! Get over there, finish the prints and bring them to me NOW! I do not ever want to have this conversation again! Understood!?!”

OK I couldn’t resist at this point.

ME: “Are you sure you don’t want to have this conversation again?”

Que slamming door and BOOM.

And so yet again there is another installment of MOUTH MOVES FASTER THAN BRAIN. There will probably be a follow up to this called “I’m writing you from the line at the unemployment office.” Stay tuned.

see ya’ll,

HR.

Reflection and one’s self

There comes a time when you have to sit back for a moment and reflect. Reflection is a good teacher. It shows us what we have done wrong, the things we have done right and it shows us how to improve. But there is one reflection that takes the cake.

This is what you do. Sneak in to the bathroom at work, hang a piece of reflective window tint about a foot inside the door way so the reflective side is facing the door. Next close the door (leave it cracked so the next person knows its empty).

Now wait.

While you’re waiting, think about all the good times you’ve had over the years. Then think about all the things you could have dodifferently. Improve yourself and your out look on….   wait…there goes Greg. The fun is about to start!

Now wait for it…wait for it…the sound of the opening door, the girlish scream and then BOOM there it is! Greg just got slammed in the face with his own reflection!

When you start breathing again, explain to Greg that that’s the sight you and your coworkers have to deal with every day. So apparently not ALL reflection is good. BUT someones else’s reflection can be funny as hell.

If you have a funny story to tell, go do stand up. If you have a story you’d like to share in written form, blog it here. And remember, if it’s funny I say do it.