Ms. Ellis Its your Birthday, In case you forgot.

Ok, so you’re getting older.

That’s fine, age is NOT something to be afraid of. You, like so many other things have stood the test of time very well.

After all, you don’t look a day over (subtract 10 years here).

I’m sure by now you have received a great number of birthday greetings like,

Flowers

and

wonderful cards.

There might have even been a

song or 2.

That doesn’t really leave a lot of choices for the rest of us as far as gifts and greetings are concerned. Because let’s face it; you’re not that generic of a person.

You would prefer plants over flowers, a concert ticket over a song and drive through the woods over a holiday. That seems to leave only one thing.

The children and I will do all the house work for you.

I’ll clean the living room for you,

and ” Mini-You ”  will do the cooking,

Happy Birthday

plus one last thing I forgot

Don’t pout you’re 22

I never yell at work.

It’s not how I lead my crew. I prefer to lead by teaching, guiding and positive reinforcement, not by intimidation. Well, ever work with that one person you just can’t teach?

Yep I got one. This guy transferred into my store from another store. No big deal, right? Well here’s the issue: His old store had about 350 customers a week; my store has about 350 customers a day. When he wanted to transfer we all informed him that this was a much faster paced store then he might be used to. We gave him 1 full week of shadow training and advised him on the way stuff worked in our store. He has been here 5 weeks now, getting overwhelmed, frustrated and taking it out on others in the store.

OK, roll with it, let him know we all have to work together to get the job done. Well, when you are in my office, the front sales floor can hear you. I do not want the know about the rash you have developed on your ass because you walked home in the rain 2 days ago. I shushed him, then I shushed him again, then he went to lunch. He came back after a half hour and hung around my office. When one of the other workers came in this ” the rash ” story started all over again. A little frustrated at this time. Asked if e was clocked in; he said no. I looked out in the store and when I saw there where no customers, I proceeded to yell at him “SHUT UP, NOBODY GIVES A FLYIN’ FUCK ABOUT SOME KIND OF RASH YOU GOT BECAUSE YOU LOST YOUR GOD DAM LICENSE DRIVING LIKE A MORON AND HAD TO FUCKING WALK HOME THE OTHER DAY. IF YOU’RE NOT ON THE CLOCK GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE OFFICE. NOW!”

Come to find out he spent the remainder of his break time at the farthest corner of the building away from where I was. From what I was told he was just standing there pouting that I got upset and yelled at him. When he came back on, he was amazing, fast working, polite to customers willing to do anything. Afterword I did say sorry and that I was proud of the way he turned the day around. Good job.

Apparently, he was informed that no one there had ever heard me yell at someone before so I must have been really pissed and he was advised to not do that again.

12/26 the day after

Ok, so way to go day after Christmas; the cleaning, the picking up, the hangover.

Way to go 12/26. Back to work I go, listening to all the drama, the “I didn’t get what I wanted!” sniffles and bitching. “My mom and dad didn’t get the right color I-pad.” This coming from a 27 year-old man. Suck it up you little bitch before I slap you into puberty. Oh my god you’re frigging 27 years old, you can only work part-time because you’re too wrapped up in your own little world to realize that your little sports car import tuner isn’t as bad ass as you think. Just because your exhaust sounds like a pissed off swarm of bees and your “system” can blast you out of your seat. I don’t fucking care that your mommy got you the wrong fucking color ipad God damit. And if I yell at you because you’re complaining that you have to work for 15 fucking hours a week I WLL HAVE TO HIT YOU! Your parents should have tossed you out on your ass long ago, so do not get testy with me you little shit. I will not be picking up after you, I will not be wiping your ass, and I will not be giving a shit about you in the up-coming…well, forever. So please, for the love of God, if you’re over the age of 23 and complaining that the gift you got from your parents was the wrong color or anything trivial like that, remember you’re fucking lucky you have parents that get you anything at all SO BE GRATEFUL and say thank you and for Gods sake SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Faster then the speed of though

This is post asking, “Are you sure?” to everyone that has anything to say to you.

This is how it should work: ( Boss ) “Did you get those reports done yet?”

REPLY: “Are you sure you want THOSE reports?”

“Yes I want them and I want them now.”

“Are you sure you want them now?”

You get the point. This sounds all well and good. However, be aware of who you ask and when you ask. That is how it should have gone in my mind. This is the actual conversation that occurred.

BRUCE: “Did you get those reports done yet?”

ME: “Are you sure you want THOSE reports?”

BRUCE: “Yes I want the friggin reports! Why the hell would I have asked for them if I didn’t want them? What are you? A friggin’ idiot? What the hell is wrong with you? When I tell you I want something I want it done 10 minutes before I ask! Get over there, finish the prints and bring them to me NOW! I do not ever want to have this conversation again! Understood!?!”

OK I couldn’t resist at this point.

ME: “Are you sure you don’t want to have this conversation again?”

Que slamming door and BOOM.

And so yet again there is another installment of MOUTH MOVES FASTER THAN BRAIN. There will probably be a follow up to this called “I’m writing you from the line at the unemployment office.” Stay tuned.

see ya’ll,

HR.