Words you cant unsay

H. R. NIGHTMARE

4 leaf clover, where are you?

Ok first of all,
HAPPY ST. PADDY’S DAY TO ALL OF YOU.
Moving on. As most of you are aware, H.E. Ellis and I are family. We have 3 not too bad kids together and seeing as her and I see them as the most important people we know, we use ALL the holidays to get together. Call it required family time. So anyway, HE follows her Italian roots as most of you know. What you may not know is that she is also a bad Irish cook. Welcome to hell, pull up a seat and get comfortable. St Pat’s day is…well, an Irish holiday, in which there is drinking, games, fighting and cooking. HE is good at 2 of these; games and fighting. Drinking however is a passed out time for her.
People say that if a butterfly flaps its wing in Asia there is a wind that blows in NH (or something like that). Well the other way to look at HE’s drinking is, if a bottle is opened all the way out on Mars, she is drunk as fuck! Now on to the cooking.
I would have sworn that there was no way that a glass cooking dish would ever break under regular use, but her Irish themed dinner caused a 11″ x 9″ glass casserole dish to take its own life. I shit you not!
Now understand this is the same dish I have used thousands of times with no issue. I have dropped it from the sink on its side after washing it. NOT A CHIP. She, on the other hand was making potatoes to go with dinner and prepped the taters ok. Put them in the dish, ok. Placed them in the oven, ok. Removed to stir, now wait…   removed them placed them on the stove, turned and picked up 2 plastic spoons, approached the 1/4″ tempered glass casserole dish, I swear it looked at her and the fucking thing EXPLODED. I shit you not, the fucking thing took its own life as if to say, “You do not follow your Irish traditions, I will have no part of this, Goodbye Grandma, I love you” and fucking exploded.  I wouldn’t have believed it if I weren’t there to see it for myself.
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As far as dinner is concerned,
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 Just like Christmas.
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March 17, 2012 - Posted by | Quicky, real world | , , , , , , , , ,

47 Comments »

  1. Why do you order the same thing for the Chinese as me?! and I would have a pint of guinness for you but I do not like it. I am the same with Alcohol, I sniff it and that is it. Anyway Happy St Patrick’s Day.

    Comment by meganstephenson | March 17, 2012 | Reply

  2. Yes…I am a train wreck. I still have no idea how that happened.

    Comment by H.E. ELLIS | March 17, 2012 | Reply

  3. […] So today was supposed to be a family get together day where I was to make dinner for everyone. As a rule I don’t cook, since I can barely prepare toast without the local fire department getting involved. But for some reason this year I was feeling a little guilty about how I tend not to embrace the Irish half of me. Why I decided that my allegiance to the green, white and orange was best demonstrated by cooking I’ll never know. As expected dinner was a catastrophe. If you’d like to see just how much I crashed and burned, go here. […]

    Pingback by Holy Shit I’m Irish! « H.E. ELLIS | March 17, 2012 | Reply

  4. Hope no one was hurt. Now will you stop making her cook?

    Comment by whatimeant2say | March 17, 2012 | Reply

    • AMEN SISTA!!!

      Comment by H.E. ELLIS | March 17, 2012 | Reply

      • Like anyone can make her do anything. Even God himself cant make her cook, well make her cook well anyway. dont hit me

        Comment by hrnightmare | March 17, 2012 | Reply

        • If God had wanted me to spend my life in the kitchen he wouldn’t have made me so cute.

          Comment by H.E. ELLIS | March 17, 2012 | Reply

  5. That’s amazing! I’ve never shattered a casserole dish before.

    Comment by Edward Hotspur | March 17, 2012 | Reply

    • I like to think it collapsed like a dying star in the presence of all my awesome.

      Comment by H.E. ELLIS | March 17, 2012 | Reply

      • Keep wishing, that thing took its own life to save the rest of us.
        Like a soldier jumping on a grenade to save the platoon.

        Comment by hrnightmare | March 17, 2012 | Reply

        • That’s it. You’re not allowed to read BrainRants anymore.

          Comment by H.E. ELLIS | March 17, 2012 | Reply

          • I only look at his site for the recipes.

            Comment by hrnightmare | March 17, 2012 | Reply

            • That’s what you men all say. Admit it. You really read it for the pictures.

              Comment by H.E. ELLIS | March 17, 2012 | Reply

              • Your right, I secretly look at the shaft work on the army tanks and the seamen inside. Wait that’s the Navy nevermind. As you where.or cock tease, I mean at ease.

                Comment by hrnightmare | March 17, 2012 | Reply

  6. The fact that you had the wherewithall to take pics of the disaster speaks volumes…I’m just curious, were there more than one type of potato in there? What IS that? *said in the nicest possible way, of course*

    Comment by kayjai | March 17, 2012 | Reply

    • Well, I had this idea that if I cut up a whole bunch of potatoes that were all different colors then the kids would eat them because they would look like a rainbow (for the record, they didn’t buy it). In actuality I have no idea what that is.

      Comment by H.E. ELLIS | March 17, 2012 | Reply

      • By the way, one time I was in the attic and fell halfway through the ceiling into the kitchen. Instead of helping me out, HR ran and grabbed his camera. Yeah, HR’s a DICK.

        Comment by H.E. ELLIS | March 17, 2012 | Reply

        • Raise your hand if you wanna see the pic.
          I still have it.

          Comment by hrnightmare | March 17, 2012 | Reply

      • ahahahahha XD I’ve never woken up in the morning and laughed so hard XD….. Also, why on earth do mom’s think they can trick kids with coloured food that’s not candy? We’re not stooopid ok. 😐
        .
        .
        Hello HR 😀

        Comment by rantonit | March 17, 2012 | Reply

        • I was dooped. 😦
          This version of the dish is hazardous to my health.
          and HI whats up dude?

          Comment by hrnightmare | March 18, 2012 | Reply

      • It’s sweet potato, guys. COME ON!

        Comment by meganstephenson | March 18, 2012 | Reply

        • Thanks Megan! But yeah, Rantonit’s right. It didn’t fool anyone.

          Comment by H.E. ELLIS | March 18, 2012 | Reply

          • Sweet potato? I couldent see past the exploded glass shard imbedded in the potato-like shrapnel.
            and I thought it was candy. Pretty colors

            Comment by hrnightmare | March 18, 2012 | Reply

            • It’s alright, not everyone can cook, I smashed a glass chopping board the other day. I will just have to come and cook for you ahaha

              Comment by meganstephenson | March 18, 2012 | Reply

              • That sounds fine and great, but please leave the glass over there, my doctor advised against eating glass AND having any hard glass objects smashed against my head.

                Comment by hrnightmare | March 18, 2012 | Reply

        • ugh, it wasn’t walking around and eating grass at one point so it’s still the wrong food group :O.
          Lol, that IS some seriously thick glass, I feel your pain man 😐 .

          And HR, remember I said you guys should write a show, wasn’t kidding ;)….. although having run into your blog and already following HE’s I’m content (^.^) .

          Comment by rantonit | March 18, 2012 | Reply

          • Dude you ran into my blog? What the hell. Watch where your going. Your lucky there wasent that much damage.
            Anywho, I’ll talk to HE and see if we could but together and audio show. I can make her listen if I hold her hands.

            Comment by hrnightmare | March 18, 2012 | Reply

            • 😐 I’m big and fat….erm, cuddly. You watch out 😐

              Pleaseplease pretty please, the next time a bowl explodes, write down the explanation XD .

              Comment by rantonit | March 18, 2012 | Reply

              • As far as the Cuddly part… HUGS.
                and for the explanation, dude I really have no idea. The friggin thing just blew the f**k up. I am not kidding.

                Comment by hrnightmare | March 18, 2012 | Reply

    • Past tense, dinner. currently we just call it ” Mom’s cooking with glass”

      Comment by hrnightmare | March 17, 2012 | Reply

  7. If you heard cacklin’ laughter for a solid minute from about 2000 miles west of you folks a little bit ago, that was me when I read “Welcome to hell, pull up a seat and get comfortable.”

    Comment by trailertrashdeluxe | March 17, 2012 | Reply

    • That’s how I feel whenever HR starts one of his stories with, “See, what had happened was….”

      Comment by H.E. ELLIS | March 18, 2012 | Reply

      • I don’t say that that often do I ?
        Welcome to hell, pull up a seat and get comfortable, is pretty much the same way I welcome in my new employees on there first day. So I say that one often

        Comment by hrnightmare | March 18, 2012 | Reply

  8. two dishes have exploded on me….get a clue and go stoneware….second at least she attempted a dinner…snap…my army guy was short of throwing me an MRE….never was given a real meal after working….so in my eyes life could have been worse. Just a thought and really try not to spew it up :)I would have been grateful for any food but hey Jim Bean provided….oh wait as always

    Comment by flynmayan | March 18, 2012 | Reply

    • just so were clear GLASS IS NOT A FOOD! as far as the standby jim beam,
      Kid you need to go Jack, gent’s choise even. And belive me I never turn down a meal.
      Unless it has glass shards in it, then I might rethink it.

      Comment by hrnightmare | March 18, 2012 | Reply

  9. well obviously!!! silly, unless one is a goat…but regardless……btw why am i a kid? hmmmm now I will question all your authority…. heehee….and a man turning down food would be a true mystery…one MythBusters would have to unravel. Also yes I agree with you on the choice of alchohol…but we are no longer in TX, sugar…so since we are in the boonies a.k.a NH we must be retro and not in any trend and so the scarce resources do not provide any real substance of good booze 🙂

    Comment by flynmayan | March 19, 2012 | Reply

    • Holy Shit, I am going to have to get a translator, from NH to Yorkshire. Boonies?! I think my last brain cell just exploded.

      Comment by meganstephenson | March 19, 2012 | Reply

      • Boonies:

        A podunk area of the state in which usually nothing, not even shit, happens.
        Or as I like to call it, home.

        Comment by hrnightmare | March 19, 2012 | Reply

        • Now define “podunk.”

          Comment by H.E. ELLIS | March 19, 2012 | Reply

          • A piece of shit, redneck, small-town
            or a good town to live in
            your choice

            Comment by hrnightmare | March 19, 2012 | Reply


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