Words you cant unsay

H. R. NIGHTMARE

Outlander’s don’t understand

Mind you I will not break the law, or policies.

These will be bent in order to make sales and compete with the others.

I was asked about that today. I responded that “in order to compete you must supply superior service, trusting information, and give back a little to get a lot.”

To my surprise they agreed. I won a small battle there, great. Driving home, however, is where I lost.

Ok, as many of you know I live in New Hampshire. A wonderful place to be.

We have a great number of different people here. We have all kinds, but the ones I seem to have a concern with the most are OUTSIDERS.

Unfortunately one of these outlanders happens to be a law enforcement officer.

Yep you got it, I was pulled over tonight.

Woopsy on me right? Not yet, wait there’s more.

I do not believe I was speeding, swerving, tail gating, lane changing–nothing.I saw the lights and heard the noise. I pulled gingerly into the brake down lane, put the car in park an turned on the hazards. All fine right? I thought so too. I sat there for a couple of moments and waited. I was expecting a cautious walk up the the drivers side window and say,

*all together now*

 “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

to which we answer

“No sir I’m really not sure.”

or

“What seems to be the problem officer?”

Either one of these would have been fine, But NO

my fucking day was going too well for that. I should have known that there was a pigeon somewhere hovering over my head. Not just any pigeon, but a pigeon that had been at the chili cook-off the night before mixed with commercial grade laxative waiting to dump ever ounce of crap that he had ingested for the past week. Perfectly aimed at my fucking head.

I get the inner city State trooper that walks to the back door window and yells

“Let me see your hands!”

Holy shit what the hell was that?

“Ok” I say in a very humble tone while I shit myself, of course.

Next question, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Nope not this time.

“Do you have any weapons in the car?”

Great I get this guy.

 Unfortunately a long time ago I learned that when you lie to an officer and he later finds out, you’re fucked.

So I had to be honest, and that sucked.

“Yes I do sir, Bbt it isn’t what you think.”

Yeah should have started with “There are collectibles in the car.”

There it is the unmistakable sound of the gun being removed from its holster.

Oh wait the good part is coming up. “GET OUT OF THE CAR, LET ME SEE YOUR HANDS, ***–22k-#@ to base”

“Go ahead ***–22k#@ “

“I’m going to need back up at ——————- . for a possible conceled weapon.”

“Understood ***–22k#@ , units responding. Do you require EMS?”

“Negative, No EMS required. ***–22k#@ clear.”

Yep back to me,

“GET ON THE GROUND, HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!”

I was kinda chuckling at this point. Man if this guy even knew what the hell I was talking about and what kind of weapons I had in the car.

OK, so there I am kneeling down in the road, here comes the back up, one cruiser to the front of my car, and the second to the rear of the first car.

I felt really special at this point let me tell you.

Now we get back to the real stuff,

Finally he asked,

“What kind of weapons are in the car?”

Here we go people,

“OK there is a list.

1 a 4.5 foot battle axe,

 A complete set of 12 throwing knives,

A battle mace with a 3 foot stretch,

A rubber handled machete

A 16 inch bole knife.

A 3 piece set of ninja swords,

16 different pocket knives

and 8 of those are assisted,

A total of 8 throwing stars

4 daggers with designer handles

Oh and 3 hatchet and skinning knives set.”

.

.

Needless to say that was not the answer he was expecting.

Have you ever seen an officer look at you in such a way that he resembles the look on a dog’s face when you try to make him talk on the phone?

So anyhoo, at this point he was more curious then concerned.

He asked me to show him what I was talking about.

I walked over to the back of my car with 4 officers around me.

I open the rear hatch of my car and showed them what I was talking about.

.

He kinda liked them.

So the story ends with me not getting a ticket, keeping most of my stuff, the officers all bought a couple items each, at a discount of course.

I made $137.00

Drove home

and all is well.

Today ended on Good note.

( so far there’s still time for me to fuck it up I’m sure)

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January 8, 2012 - Posted by | Uncategorized

28 Comments »

  1. You better not have sold my throwing knives, that’s all I’ve got to say.

    Comment by H.E. ELLIS | January 8, 2012 | Reply

    • I would never do that. well, never do that again anyway.

      Comment by hrnightmare | January 8, 2012 | Reply

  2. These are police right? They are nothing like English coppers.

    Comment by meganstephenson | January 8, 2012 | Reply

  3. I just had a thought.

    Comment by hrnightmare | January 8, 2012 | Reply

    • Alright everybody, stand back…

      Comment by H.E. ELLIS | January 8, 2012 | Reply

  4. How many English coppers does that spotted dick cost?

    Comment by hrnightmare | January 8, 2012 | Reply

    • I would not know because I make my own 😛

      Comment by meganstephenson | January 8, 2012 | Reply

      • I can’t believe I’m going to ask this but…what the hell is spotted dick?

        Comment by H.E. ELLIS | January 8, 2012 | Reply

      • Plain sponge with raisins in it 🙂 but its not as nice as bread and butter pudding! ahaha

        Comment by meganstephenson | January 8, 2012 | Reply

  5. Its when you run around a nude beach yelling ” there it is, there it is.”

    Comment by hrnightmare | January 8, 2012 | Reply

  6. With all those weapons, you need to hook up with the guy in Sheena’s latest post (Facehookin’). He’s got axes and guns. http://wp.me/p1xQVs-76

    Comment by Edward Hotspur | January 8, 2012 | Reply

    • OMG Mikhail there is a pic of a dude on that blog that looks like you if you were short, fat and had a mullet! Other than that you two are exactly the same!

      Comment by H.E. ELLIS | January 8, 2012 | Reply

  7. Mr. Hotspur, Ms. Ellis forget what you have seen there. I stated long ago that pic of me was never ever to be used for anything other then Match.com promotional purposes. Obviously they didn’t listen. Where’s my lawyer’s card.

    Comment by hrnightmare | January 8, 2012 | Reply

    • Thank God our kids don’t look like you.

      Comment by H.E. ELLIS | January 8, 2012 | Reply

  8. Nicknames. UPS, FEDEX, and DHL. I always wondered why you called them that.

    Comment by hrnightmare | January 8, 2012 | Reply

  9. Holy crap, send that bird my way!

    Comment by El Guapo | January 8, 2012 | Reply

  10. […] HE: In addition to your love for and massive collection of weaponry, what do you have a passion for? (I’m talking about all the motorcycles in the backyard, […]

    Pingback by Ex-SPaM « H.E. ELLIS | January 9, 2012 | Reply

  11. I think the officer was suffering from penis envy… Did you accidentally flash him, or do you think his dick is just that small?

    Comment by sparklebumps | January 9, 2012 | Reply

    • I wouldn’t say accidentally. Its a N.H. thing.

      Comment by hrnightmare | January 9, 2012 | Reply

  12. Great stuff… Please don’t turn your weapons on me when you find out I tagged you in a meme:

    http://fyeahandroidtomato.wordpress.com/2012/01/09/kreativ-me/

    Comment by fyeahandroidtomato | January 9, 2012 | Reply

  13. I had no idea New Hampshire had any inner city areas for cops to be from. Learn something every day. PTSD cops are fun, aren’t they?

    Comment by BrainRants | January 9, 2012 | Reply

    • We import them from NY and Mass.
      NH doesn’t have any real inner city’s.
      But when you drive an old beater car with a manual trans and you know how to make it backfire on command that’s when it gets really fun with PTSD.yea been taken down twice on that one.

      Comment by hrnightmare | January 9, 2012 | Reply

  14. who was the officer? not gonna lie I know many and probably not the best way one should know one. I want the footage from the police cam…I will pay well! BTW you didn’t get pulled over tonight? didja??? hahahaha

    Comment by flynmayan | March 17, 2012 | Reply

    • Hey HR, didn’t they give you a cavity search on that one? hehehehe…..

      Comment by H.E. ELLIS | March 17, 2012 | Reply

      • Not really a search persay, more of a probing and dinner.
        Dont judge me.

        Comment by hrnightmare | March 17, 2012 | Reply

    • I dont remember the officers name but I’ll check the reciept. as far as the footage, it was destroyed
      And i did not get pulled over, i slowed to the point that the officer hit the back of my car when i slammed on the brakes. and then sped up for about anouther half mile and stopped. When he came to my car I asked if he wanted to give my HIS insurance info, seeing as in this state the one who hit the rear of anouther car is at faullt. He kindly said good night and we went our seprate ways.

      Comment by hrnightmare | March 17, 2012 | Reply


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