Words you cant unsay

H. R. NIGHTMARE

Eduardo Hotspurto and Salma Hayek’s Pizza Gone Wrong

You think you know Edward Hotspur? Well sit back and let me tell you a tale. Now some of you may know that Eddie here used to be a Pizza Delivery Bitch. I bet you didn’t know that he had secret dreams of being a porn star too? (but fell short). That’s right, he’d lay in bed, dreaming of the real life day when someone opened the door for pizza but asked for his pepperoni instead, not knowing all he had on him was a cocktail wiener (tell me again whose idea it was to invite me to this thing?)

Anyway, one day Eddie got lucky and managed to score a delivery to none other than his dream girl, Salma Hayek. Even though she ordered a vegetarian pizza, little did she know what she really got was double meat. He was so excited he almost fell off his bicycle.

Twice.

You can imagine his surprise when she came to the door in nothing but a slinky, silk nightgown. In a near perfect Spanish accent he said, “Hello, my name is Eduardo. Did you order a pizza, extra meat?”

“No,” she said, wrapping her robe tight around her. “I wanted a vegetable.”

Smiling wide he said, “Well, I was the smartest in my class, but I’ll fake it for you.”

“I do not understand,” Salma said, backing away slowly. “Why do you say you bring me meat?”

Believing this to be a cue, Eduardo Hotspurto dropped the pizza and then his pants. Pointing to his junk he said, “All women love HOT sausage, and I’ve got one that SPURts and is guaranteed to satisfy…”

Salma burst out laughing, but was intrigued none the less. “Alright, Gringo, I will give you a go. Why don’t you step inside and I will let you toss my dough.”

With that, Eduardo Hotspurto shot a load in the air like a rocket, nailing her right in the eye. Eddie was dressed and on his bike before Salma even knew what hit her. As he peddled down the road the sound of his semi-erect pecker smacking against the tire reminded him of baseball cards in the spokes and he promptly:

CLICK THE PIZZA BELOW IF YOU WANT EDDIE TO EAT A POUND OF BACON WHILE CRYING EMO TEARS OF MAN PAIN OR…

PIZZA

CLICK THIS PIZZA IF YOU WANT HIM TO TURN GAY AND BEGIN COLLECTING RAINBOW PISSING UNICORN FIGURINES

PIZZA

AGAIN, WHOSE BRIGHT IDEA WAS IT TO INVITE ME TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS THING???

 

January 9, 2013 - Posted by | practical jokes, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

9 Comments »

  1. I have no idea whose idea it was. None at all.

    SQUEEEEEEEEE!

    Comment by GingerSnaap | January 9, 2013 | Reply

  2. [...] LizzieC http://runningnakedwithscissors.com/ SageDoyle  http://sagedoyle.wordpress.com/ HR http://hrnightmare.wordpress.com/ GingerSnaap http://ohmygawdjustdowhatisay.wordpress.com/ [...]

    Pingback by Edward Hotspur And The Erotic Haze Turning Interstellar Nether Regions Japanese | sandylikebeach | January 9, 2013 | Reply

  3. [...] ???…! Sentence…! Puns…! Autobiography…! Flowers…! Squee…! Relationships…! Bacon…! [...]

    Pingback by Edward Hotspur and the Birthday Wishes | Guapola | January 9, 2013 | Reply

  4. I have absolutely no idea who invited you to this.
    Shocked. Shocked I am at this moral turpitude.

    Happy Birthday Hotspur!
    So much about you is clear now…

    Comment by El Guapo | January 9, 2013 | Reply

  5. OK, after “Hot-spurt-o”, I lost it. HB, EH!

    Comment by Red | January 9, 2013 | Reply

  6. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHA That’s all I got. I laughed and cringed. And laughed some more.

    Comment by Nicole Marie | January 9, 2013 | Reply

  7. HA HA HA~! Still laughing… Okay, that was hilarious. I didn’t know you cared, HR, after that little accident where you said you were too drunk to… er… anyway, thanks for writing this, and it was great, and I really appreciate it!

    Comment by Edward Hotspur | January 9, 2013 | Reply

  8. A garbage collector , is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn’t been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There’s no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again – a bit harder and then harder still. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. “Harro!” says the Chinese man. “Gidday, mate! Where’s ya bin?” asks the collector. “I bin on toiret,” explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realizing the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.. “No! No! Mate, where’s your dust bin?” “I dust been to toiret, I toll you!” says the Chinese man, still perplexed. “Listen,” says the collector. “You’re misunderstanding me. Where’s your wheelie’ bin?’” “OK, OK.” replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector’s ear. “I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife’s sista!”

    Comment by Sightsnbytes | January 31, 2013 | Reply

    • Thanks! Oh and…how do u circumcise A whale??

      With four skin divers!!

      Comment by hrnightmare | January 31, 2013 | Reply


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